I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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