i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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