I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
