Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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