Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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