the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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