yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
