Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
