Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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