drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
