i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
