So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
