hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
