I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
is that a dick in a sweater?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
