I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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