Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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