You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
