i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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