1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
