Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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