I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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