I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
