Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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