He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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