You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
