roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
