My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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