My friends, they love my intelligence
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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