Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
