i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
