His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
