I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
