I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
