Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
