turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
