Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
