At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
