remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
