Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
