so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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