Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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