The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
