This is not my ceiling
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
