I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
