She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
