God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
MIDGETS
????
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
