To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Drunk is a universal language darling
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
