my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
