i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
