I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
