Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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