so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
